For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
