I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
