So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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