shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I would ride that face into the sunset
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