so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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