shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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