my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
