I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
