...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
