At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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