if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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