i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
