her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
