When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
