He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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