when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
