I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
