Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
