I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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