I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
