i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
