You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
