So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize