I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i will never coherently bang her
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
