im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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