It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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