After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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