Will you blow on my dice?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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