A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
a search helicopter?!
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
