someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
