i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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