Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I checked into jail on foursquare
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
