Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I came so hard my ears popped.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
