Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
