i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
