I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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