A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize