Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
