She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize