Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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