I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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