he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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