I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
