I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
nutella sex= disaster
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
