do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
