I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Can you bring me the toilet please
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
