I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
