i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
