Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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