Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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