did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
