Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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