my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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