Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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