I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
