Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
