you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
