Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
