then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
