Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
