I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
