listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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